7-Days Of Healing: Day 4
Ironically it is 8:09p once again. I won’t even try explaining myself because honestly, I set a goal for these to be good to go by 8p but it is ok that they aren’t, I AM HUMAN!!!
Jumping right into the prompt, when I pay attention to my heart it wants passion and love to be released from it. My heart is yearning for moments of inspiration to find relief. Almost immediately, I can notice my mind wanting to interrupt this need and ask me to prioritize my responsibilities because I am depended on.
My heart is asking my mind for a moment to breath and let go. I feel my mind prepare to react defensively, but it pauses. My heart is reminding it of all we’ve done and explaining those accomplishments are where the inspiration is driven from. We LOVE to create! We DESIRE to educate! We are DESTINED to lead!
My mind is seeking the validation from the outcome, whereas my heart beats for the process it took to get there.
Moments like this can usually cause me to withdraw and isolate because I feel over stimulated by my own internal battle. My mind usually gets the best of me, But today we are going to compromise. There is a part coming up that makes my mind think our worth is based off our productivity. But that is not the case and that is a protective part asking to be seen. (Thank you therapy and IFS!) So let’s look at this part together.
This part fears judgment, which coincidentally continues coming up for me as I complete these prompts. The idea that I am meant to to only share my work with the world, share only the outcome and not my private life, not the process. But see I can’t do that because my reality is that well, my life is my work.
It’s obvious this part of me is fighting the idea of being THIS transparent with the world. But I am noticing this part and I am giving it the spotlight because, it is safe to do it. I am allowing myself to openly process my journey because I want to LEAD by example. I have escaped the hands of death 5 separate times. 3 suicide attempts, 1 car accident and 1 really scary labor and delivery. Maybe one day I will talk about those moments, but for now that is where is part stems from.
“YOU WERE MEANT TO BE DEAD, SO DON’T WASTE TIME SHARING NONSENSE AND FUCKING MAKE SOMETHING OF YOURSELF, EVERYONE IS WATCHING!!!!”
But that is not true. Because I am alive, I have a testimony. And through that testimony is where I have begun to find healing. But a feeling like this is not meant to remain private. So if sharing my trauma with others to provide room for normalcy is how I further heal, then you better believe I am going to do just that.
My heart is asking for a moment to create and my mind is saying NO, because productivity matters, they are all watching. So watch me as I DON’T give into this trauma response and walk away from work for the night. Relax the headache I feel coming on as a result of this and spend time creating artwork, because THAT is healing.
-Steph <3
P.S. Accept my typos because I can’t re-read this one tonight.
