Transparency
PEACE THAT SURPASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING!
Hey there Healer!
Do you know those moments where you just cannot help but question every single damn thing? Even the things that aren’t capable of being questioned, you somehow still find a way to question? Yeah, ummm what is that about? Why does insecurity still find you in moments empowerment is thriving? I guess I am full of questions today and it is calling me to be open with you all about it.
See, we are created with divine purpose and intention. And we allow ourselves to forget to live with the same divine purpose and intention. Today is a celebratory day in my life as I have made a huge transition, taking a position in the purpose of someone who I admire wholeheartedly. I am blessed with a wonderful opportunity that will pour so much into my Spirit. Yet, in the middle of it all, I am undergoing so many emotions that just don’t want to shut up.
So, I’ve been seeking support from some of the incredible people of my life, helping me process my own thoughts. As if I’m not a whole licensed therapist myself right, but hey we need the support too. As I’ve turned to these beautiful people, I’ve been poured into so much but still feel a void. Then it hit me, Steph you should be pouring into yourself FIRST! You should show up for yourself FIRST! You should call on God to provide peace that surpasses all understanding! You should call on Jesus to guide you through the moments of insecurity, reminding you it is okay and picking you up when you feel depleted. Thing is, doing all of that is powerful and magical, but it brings you to your knees in a way that sometimes you are not ready for.
I can’t count how many times I’ve cried today both alone and publicly. But each tear that fell was releasing those lies being whispered in my ear, saying things will fail or I am not worthy. God makes no mistakes and it is no coincidence that I am where I currently am. And dammit I deserve it too! So why can’t I let myself have this? Why do I break down my own successes? Because it’s normalized.
Let’s talk about it. Bad day? Let’s post about it. Something went wrong? Let’s post about it. Broken heart? Let’s post about it. We are using the luxury of communication without limits, to reiterate our own damn pain and not acknowledge our strengths! And I don’t mean the huge celebrations that usually go noticed such as; promotions, weddings, babies, graduations, birthdays, anniversaries and engagements. I mean the things we really wish were praised that we are too ashamed to talk about. Yet we expect it to be somehow seen, without ever communicating it. Day 1 of sober living? Praise it! Didn’t self-harm today? Praise it! Learned a new word today? Praise it! Tried a new look today? PRAISE IT! PRAISE IT ALL WITHOUT FEAR OF JUDGMENT! No one holds the power of judgment over us, so let’s not give that away when it is not ours to give in the first place.
That’s why I am leaning into TRANSPARENCY. I don’t feel great today, and there are a range of thoughts I can continue to allow to bounce in my head or I can let it out and let it go. And here I am. I told ya’ll this was about to be to most raw and public journal and I meant it. Now, this isn’t easy but neither is pretending to be ok. I’d rather risk being open than suffer in silence, because no one deserves that, including me, the therapist, entrepreneur, director, mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend and whatever other title I carry. I made it out of the house, around people who love me, listening to worship songs that make me cry uglier, INTENTIONALLY! Because these are the words I need to sound in my head. Reminders that there is Jesus to carry me, Mother Mary to nurture me and God to continue to bless me! That is me pouring into me and for you it could look differently. Again, it isn’t about the label, it is about the habit. If you have a habit of announcing to the world, then announce to your FAITH with even more power than to those looking for a reason to break you.
Today I am giving myself GRACE to sit in this discomfort and be open about it. Setting a boundary around myself to not let anyone make me think I should be okay. I refuse to normalize pretending and I am a horrible hypocrite too so that’s just not within me to do. Will I get up tomorrow and handle my business? Yes. Shit, I am handling business around the clock regardless but I won’t dehumanize myself for it today. That is my boundary.
So, if you need permission to not be okay, then give yourself that permission. Then, hand it over to God, or source, Spirit, Allah, Buddha etc. Pass it on to your source of faith and let it heal you, but give yourself GRACE because it could take some time, and that is okay!
Here’s To Healing!
-Steph <3
